Keeping Balance Without Guilty Feelings

By Amy Uelmen

Q: I often feel stressed by the effort to juggle a more-than full-time job, family life, and parish activities. I would like to find a better balance, but I feel guilty when I say “no” in response to others’ requests for help. I’d be grateful for any suggestions.

Overwhelmed in New York City

A: I asked this same question of a close friend when I was working as an attorney in a large law firm. How could I simply walk out the door as if I didn’t care about my swamped colleagues? Then I’d come home late and feel bad that I was unable to maintain other commitments vital to my life. Even ordinary aspects of life, like finding time to clean the house, were a burden.

At that time my friend shared two suggestions that have since become my compass. I am still a beginner in putting them into practice—but you may find them helpful, too.

First, learn to listen to and be guided by the voice of your conscience, which is the voice of God within, distinguishing it from external pressures and circumstances—as Chiara Lubich once described, it’s like “finding a sapphire among the stones.”¹ Second, make every effort to hang onto a balance in which work is not the constant priority, but only one of many aspects of life.

Of course it was not easy—there were quite a few “stones” to get through, and I often needed help to pull out the “sapphire.” Talking through the pressures I was facing with friends who were also trying to keep God as their point of reference and to live a similar balance, was often a source of light. With practice, it became easier to find the “sapphire” and I began to experience how the voice of God within could help me understand how to love in specific circumstances.

When faced with the pressure to work late, at times I realized I could ask my supervisor more details about the deadlines—and often this revealed that there was more flexibility than I had assumed. On other occasions, court deadlines made the assignment truly urgent, but I was able to shoulder my share of the evening’s work with peace. A few times I felt I needed to challenge—with love—some of the management and staff decisions and structures which led to more pressure than the work itself should have required.

With time, I realized that the effort to keep a balance was one of the greatest gifts that I could give my colleagues. Keeping weekends and evenings clear, as much as possible, for other aspects of life, and resisting the temptation to work through lunch made me not only a more pleasant colleague, but also a better, more capable, and more efficient lawyer.

In juggling other commitments at home and in the community, the effort to keep a balance helped me to be more honest with myself, more open with others, and much more appreciative of the communal dimensions of our common projects. Often when I asked for help, or perhaps felt I had to say a personal “no” because I had reached my limits, I saw that this was actually a deeper “yes” to a more beautiful picture in which others could play a more active part, express themselves, and grow in responsibility.

It’s an effort—but the joy, freedom and peace that come from daily choices in accord with God’s suggestions and his plans of love are well worth it.

1) Chiara Lubich, “Christian Living Today,” New City Press 1997, p.45. (return to reading)